When I first encountered it I panicked. This must never be known. It destroys faith, it destroys souls. Yet we must work against it silently. It must be opposed. It must be stopped.
But then everywhere, worldwide, it went public. It was destroying souls, and it did destroy faith for so many.
I now see an avenue of hope, an action that the churches, and also families, can take that could save the churches and the families, undoing it into the past, unravelling it, healing victims and perpetrators. Punishment does not work, only tightening the knot, the silencing, the terror. But healing could be through asking the perpetrator when it was done to him, to her. Perhaps with even the victim asking the perpetrator so that the perpetrator can heal the harm to himself, herself in the other, who, like himself, herself, was once innocent, then violated, to the soul shattering loss of faith. To see it as mirroring.
I was my Anglican convent’s librarian. The Archdeacon brought us books. A volunteer was helping me catalogue them. She gasped at the name written in a Hebrew Bible, ‘Richard Gazzard’. She told me his son, at Oxford, was distraught, this priest arraigned at Maidstone for soliciting sexual favours from boys with a signed photograph of the Archbishop of Canterbury https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/vicar-jailed-1394994.html. I cut the signature from the book. At the same time my Novice Guardian, the daughter of a Freemason Mayor of Chelsea, who incested her continuously when she was a child, was demanding sexual favours from me which I resisted, and for which resistance she blocked me from making my Vows. I countered that I could not break the Vow of Chastity to be allowed to make it. It made no sense. I remonstrated with a letter and a meeting with her, at which she told me that ‘It is harder for the perpetrator to forgive than the victim’. I wrote about this to my Spiritual Director, a Community of the Resurrection monk, who replied that I should understand her as a victim also. Years later I found his note again and reread it with greater understanding than when I received it. I thought I had lost everything, Even my soul.
On a more minor scale, I saw myself in this. In my convent boarding school that had been a matron who was cruel, favouring girls who submitted to her sexually, rejecting those who did not, and I was in the latter category. She permitted her favourites to bully us, night after night in the dormitory next to her room, we had to kneel and worship these older girls while they swung chains with heavy conkers threatening to hit us if we did not obey, threatening to beat us if we betrayed this secret. I had been a day girl and was now a boarder because I had been ill from the long journeys to school in the winters. The other day girls noticed I was changed and asked me to tell why. I said I could not. It was secret. They replied I had not been sworn to not write it, only to not tell it verbally, and to write the account. I did, then liberated, fought the older persecuting girls. The nightmare stopped. But also one night I was vomiting in the bathroom and Matron came in and coldly ordered me, while I was trembling, my body in shock, ‘Clean that up!’ Years later, I found myself mirroring her when my middle son, one night, was vomiting. Then realized how cruel I was to him, that I had mirrored my Matron. I hugged him crying, saying, ‘I am sorry. That was done to me. I should not have done it in turn to you. Please forgive me’. Years later, following surgery, I wrote to this same Matron, a very similar letter to the one I wrote to my Novice Guardian (these two women were Lesbian and loved each other, but did so much damage to children in their care, from themselves being so damaged). There was no answer. But I came, through this, to understand the dynamics of sexual abuse to children as a mirroring of the past into the present, and also the future if we fail to have the courage to confront and seek to heal the damaged damaging person.
I once found myself saying in confession to an Anglican bishop, ‘I find myself having to be the wounded traveller who has to be the Samaritan who seeks to heal the Priest and the Levite’ (Luke 10.27-37). The components to the damaging shattering of souls lie in several factors, secrecy, which should never be required in the face of sin, hierarchy, where one individual has unequal power over the other, when all are in God’s image, obedience, remembering Don Lorenzo Milani’s Obedience is not a Virtue and the Nuremberg trials. When I did, finally, make my Vows, and then later my Life Vows, that of Obedience was to no bishop but to the Gospel, the Gospel that is the religion of ‘women and slaves’, that includes the outsider from hierarchies of unjust power, the women, children, Samaritans, lepers, the lame, the blind, the deaf, the mad, publicans, prostitutes, the riffraff. Not the Pharisees, Sadducees, Priests, Levites, the rich young men for whom it is harder to enter heaven than a camel a needle’s eye (Matt. 19.24). A contemplative theologian I loved, Don Divo Barsotti, explained ‘obedience’ as from the Latin ‘ob+audire’, as to listen, the way Jesus kept saying, ‘Let him who has ears hear’ the Gospel, understand it, live it. The ‘Oath of Aesculapius’ is to ‘do no harm’. It were better to have a millstone around one’s neck and be drowned in the sea than destroy a child’s innocence, a child’s soul, Jesus said (Luke 17.2). Yesterday I heard an Archbishop say that the Church is paralysed from so helping its sexual abusers heal from the vengeful desire of the victims that they be punished. But I believe the churches’ current way of protecting their own structures with silencing, with lawyers, with shifting priests to different parishes because of the resulting loss of vocations in a vicious cycle, with protecting the abusers at the cost of the victims, makes churches themselves the millstone around the neck at the bottom of the ocean to the increasingly secularizing society they ought to protect and serve, the Orwellian word being ‘safeguarding’, and thus destroying the faith that once built Gothic cathedrals, Ravenna and Monreale mosaics, Fra Angelico frescoes, Dante’s Commedia.
I entered my Anglican convent where I had been a school girl with such joy from my Vocation, then had it all shattered. While there a letter came from the Bodleian Library where my father had worked as a fourteen year-old orphan in poverty, a letter that taught me that he was there the victim of a paedophile Anglican priest. This crime does not only happen in the churches, structures meant to teach ethics, it also happens in families, which are meant to nurture and protect, it can happen to children from play therapists, an Eton Master telling me that it was the older boys who insisted it was their right to sodomize the younger boys, to repeat the harm that had been done to them. A phone call from my youngest son told me he had tried to kill himself, had been helicoptered out of the mountains with his jaw broken from smashing his car against a rock, that he had been sexually abused when he was ten years old by a Princeton student whom I had thought could be his ‘Big Brother’, my husband insisting that it was necessary for boys to have such masculine mentors to not be gay. Cardinal Pell, three times, was accused by former altar boys of such acts, each time the other boy in the three pairs, no longer alive to be a witness in Court from having self-destructed from alcohol and substance abuse. He had murdered at least three, shattered the souls of at least six. The structures of churches and schools, because they are hierarchical, can secretly harbour this chain reaction, to do the exact opposite of what is their purpose. Instead of nurturing souls they can break them. The Ireland that I had known of priests and nuns, when I returned there, no longer tolerated in nuns and priests their veils, habits and clerical garb, from the shame of Tuam, the scandal of so many dead babies in the sewage tank.
When I fled my convent soul shattered, having lost everything except my books and computer, I came to Italy, living in one unheated room above Florence for four years as a hermit, and made my Vows alone in a church by the roadside that was open that day, to look up, the joy of the Vocation returned, to find there two paintings of the child Jesus at twelve years old between his parents, Mary and Joseph, on the road from Jerusalem. My Anglican community had been the Community of the Holy Family. On the web we found each other, those who had been sexually abused and shattered, in their families, in the churches. <p>In my Anglican convent, the local Quaker Meeting had asked me to give talks on the medieval Friends of God. A Jewish woman scholar and a Catholic woman scholar, both studying Theology at King’s College, London, joined us. We decided to all ourselves ‘God Friends’, putting God first in our lives, finding in this inclusion, no sectarianism. We continued after I fled Sussex, now on the Web, and took to giving blessed olive leaves to heal trauma, the bomb explosions in Nairobi, in Omagh, the discotheque fire in Göteborg, and to the victims of paedophilia to even give to their perpetrators, even to heaping them on their perpetrators’ graves, remembering the Sandinistas in Nicaragua, the Cardenal brothers’ re-education programmes, ‘Forgiveness is our Revenge’, Nelson Mandela’s ‘Truth and Justice’ against apartheid in South Africa, Thomas More in Utopia reforming criminals with love, the anthropologist Victor Turner noting the African Ndembu use of adepts in rituals for the healing of twins, the adepts those who themselves were born and suffered from being twins, Quaker Committees on Sufferings, as prison ministry, from Quakers themselves having been imprisoned. If we can empower ourselves in healing our perpetrators, asking when it was done to them. The key to ending this abuse may lie in ourselves healing our abusers to heal ourselves. To achieve this we must educate our abusing structures away from secrecy and unchristian hierarchy, a word invented by Pseudo-Dionysius, who lied saying he was contemporary with Paul and Christ when he lived centuries later and whose writings on the Hierarchies of Angels, the Hierarchy of the Church, were adopted and propagated by the Emperors of Constantinople and the Kings of France as convenient to their maintaining their power. There is that of God in Everyone. We are in God’s Image, Every Person is a Holy Place.
In my concern I wrote to the Queen about how these acts shatter the souls of both perpetrator and victim and she responded and then looked up from her Christmas Message that year to ask us to keep the faith that we had had as children. I wrote to Archbishops of Canterbury and to Popes of Rome, usually to silence, except from Rowan Williams. I can remember my Florentine landlord, abused when an altar boy by a priest and ever after cynical, in tears, as was I, when John Paul did the Ceremony of the Door at St Peters at the Jubilee, in penitence for the sins of clergy against children. Cain killed his brother Abel. God marked him, saying that no one was to kill him in turn. We need the love of God, of neighbour, of enemy. With that there would be the absence of racism, war, genocide, paedophilia. And in that framework those who were abused can again return to innocence, to again having their soul unviolated. We can break the chain of punishment and soul loss. But to do that we victims need to educate the Church, to educate Christendom.
There is a passage in Julian of Norwich where she describes herself on the deep sea floor, that she creates from the story of Jonah in the belly of the whale (Jonah 1.17-2.10) and in which he speaks from the Psalm where God can find even those who flee from him even into the depths of the ocean (Psalm 139.9). She also speaks of a great secret that can make all thing well, that God can have time run backwards, to undo harm, to return to the innocence with which we are born, the innocence that is our unshattered soul.